When I was in high school (middle school?) there was this guy on Tumblr who posted on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I can’t remember his username now, but oh my god I was obsessed with his posts. When he didn’t post I felt physically sad. I am trying to channel that energy into my own posts. When I don’t show up for myself I feel sad.

Have you ever seen a blog called a journal on websites? It’s not as common, but it used to be a much more common thing. I’m still calling this my blog, but if these daily posts filled with wandering musings keep happening I think I might start calling it a journal again. Or maybe I’ll just make a category called “journal” instead of a category called personal, which is where these currently live.

Today I’ve spent all day editing the video for a wedding, and then my computer crashed. And the timeline I’d spent 12 hours on? Gone. The autosave folder? Empty. Me? Crying. And laughing. Mostly laughing because I have very inappropriate responses. So I got up from my computer and I walked away. I went to the beach and I floated for about 30 minutes. There is a lot of thin privilege in the world, but my fat privilege is that I get to float in the ocean with absolutely no effort. Legs and arms completely still just experiencing the push and pull of the ocean. I’m thankful for that.

I am curious what this would look like if it were anonymous. Would I talk more in depth about that wedding and why it was so hard for me the day of? Or would I not? I don’t know. I do know that regardless of the anonymity I would be kind. Lots of people weren’t kind to me growing up and I want to be a kind person.

Do you think that teasing is kind? I don’t think that teasing is kind. I know LOTS of people tease each other. I know practical joke videos get millions of views on the internet. But I don’t like them. I don’t like practical jokes. I don’t like to be teased. The intention of teasing, according to the internet, is to provoke a reaction in another person. And I don’t get that. I want my friends to feel loved and cared for. I want them to feel like I’m a safe place. I don’t want to get a reaction out of them. I don’t want a rise. But I’ve also read plenty of romcoms with teasing and I love that. But it’s always flirtatious, kind, fun. The teasing I’m experiencing right now makes me feel badly about myself. Is it embarrassing to admit I literally have been reading articles on the internet about teasing and if it’s bullying? Yeah. Probably embarrassing. But I liked this one, so I’m going to share it. Apparently, teasing is done to strengthen relationship as well. Like “oh we feel comfortable enough to rib each other” and maybe I’m missing out on that. I’m struggling with this and processing it feels overwhelming. I wonder if I’m alone. I wonder if I’m going to ruin a friendship because I don’t like being teased and I am not teasing. The friend who teased me said she would be mindful in the future. But then she followed it up by saying I’m her only friend who doesn’t like being teased and she teases everyone else. But she’s my only friend who does tease. I feel complicated. I mostly feel like I don’t want to be teased, but then she said she was having to apologize for just being her. It makes me sad to think she feels like she can’t be herself. It also makes me sad to think I can’t set boundaries with where I feel comfortable. Mostly I want to delete this entire paragraph.

When I ask my husband what he’s thinking about most of the time he’ll say “there’s not a thought in my head.” but this is what my head looks like all the time. It’s nonstop. It’s exhausting. I wish it were quieter.

Thanks for being here.